“A long time ago, when you were a wee thing, you learned something, some way to cope, something that, if you did it, would help you survive. It wasn't the healthiest thing, it wasn't gonna get you free, but it was gonna keep you alive. You learned it, at five or six, and it worked, it *did* help you survive. You carried it with you all your life, used it whenever you needed it. It got you out--out of your assbackwards town, away from an abuser, out of range of your mother's un-love. Or whatever. It worked for you. You're still here now partly because of this thing that you learned. The thing is, though, at some point you stopped needing it. At some point, you got far enough away, surrounded yourself with people who love you. You survived. And because you survived, you now had a shot at more than just staying alive. You had a shot now at getting free. But that thing that you learned when you were five was not then and is not now designed to help you be free. It is designed only to help you survive. And, in fact, it keeps you from being free. You need to figure out what this thing is and work your ass off to un-learn it. Because the things we learn to do to survive at all costs are not the things that will help us get FREE. Getting free is a whole different journey altogether.”
― Mia McKenzie, The Summer We Got Free
Deborah,
Slightly falling apart, just a lot of stressors right now.
Tues morning started good, I got up at 6am, took the dog for a walk, then went to gym to do 45 min of cardio and back exercises. I would like to do this every morning. The main issue is I need to go To bed around 10pm, and with my schedule, I can't usually go to sleep till 11/11:30pm.
8am- shake
11am- crackers, hummus, turkey
1pm- chili, brown rice
4pm- watermelon, pistachios
7:30pm- chicken, broccoli. Gin and tonic. Piece of chocolate.
Tues was pretty good, minus drink and chocolate.
Wed
8:30am- Ezekiel bread with PB and Deb Approved TJ jam
12pm- went to lunch with my
Business partner, had tempura shrimp and veggies, and half order of pad Thai
7pm- dinner at a work event. Couple pieces of salami, foccacia, carrots with dressing for appetizers. Dinner was Italian salad, chicken, cold pasta salad and a roll. Had 2 glasses of wine.
Thurs
Had to get up at 6am today cause had I leave for warehouse at 7am so no workout.
7:30am- Ezekiel bread with PB and jam
10:30am- other half of my pad Thai
1pm- crackers, hummus, turkey
4:00pm- pistachios
5:30-7:30pm- networking event. 2 glasses wine. Some bread with cheese and salami.
Came home upset- my mom was crying on the phone for 30 min and then had several work issues driving me crazy.
8:30pm- edamame with soy sauce- 2 gin and tonics
Should have ended there
9:30pm- pasta with my homemade sauce, 2 more gin and tonics
:(
Going to bed now so I don't eat anymore, and hoping to get up tomorrow to work out. Sorry I was not great.
Jackie
Jackie,
You never have to say you are sorry for your behavior. I am never going to judge you and I am always going to understand what is happening. You eat unhealthy food and drink alcohol as a coping mechanism and as the quote above says, there is a reason. And I get it and am here to work through these issues and keep you aware and open to change when you are ready. Just keep writing to me and let me know what you are eating and how you are feeling. Hugs!!!
Deborah
Deborah,
Thanks for checking in. Just in a depressed rut. Family issues again- my dad admitted to there being someone else, my mom overdosed on meds and booze and went back to the hospital. My dad left today, and I'm trying to help my mom come up with plan B. Sucks. I've not been good, turning towards wine instead of the treadmill to deal with it.
Jackie.
Jackie,
Jackie.
Jackie,
I have a request, PLEASE read this over and over and use food, alcohol, work, whatever it is as the coping mechanism. I am not sure if it is just that I, myself, am ready to hear it, or that reading this was so spot on for me that it has changed my life and the way I am viewing myself. I hope it helps you and if not now, when you are ready. I love you and send you warm hugs...:)
Deborah
"A long time ago, when you were a wee thing, you learned something, some way to cope, something that, if you did it, would help you survive. It wasn’t the healthiest thing, it wasn’t gonna get you free, but it was gonna keep you alive. You learned it, at five or six, and it worked, it *did* help you survive. You carried it with you all your life, used it whenever you needed it. It got you out–out of your assbackwards town, away from an abuser, out of range of your mother’s un-love. Or whatever. It worked for you. You’re still here now partly because of this thing that you learned. The thing is, though, at some point you stopped needing it. At some point, you got far enough away, surrounded yourself with people who love you. You survived. And because you survived, you now had a shot at more than just staying alive. You had a shot now at getting free. But that thing that you learned when you were five was not then and is not now designed to help you be free. It is designed only to help you survive. And, in fact, it keeps you from being free. You need to figure out what this thing is and work your ass off to un-learn it. Because the things we learn to do to survive at all costs are not the things that will help us get FREE. Getting free is a whole different journey altogether."
