Monday, July 24, 2017

MONDAY MORNING POST: ELAINE'S FOOD LOG. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT COMFORTABLE AND GOOD ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK and SAID IT OUT LOUD TO ANOTHER PERSON?





ELAINE FINALLY SAID "I FEEL COMFORTABLE" AND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT HOW I LOOK" AFTER FOLLOWING HER "DEB APPROVED" EATING PLAN FOR 3 WEEKS.  HOW DID SHE DO IT? HERE IS HER FOOD LOG FROM  HER FIRST WEEK. I WILL BE POSTING MORE FOOD LOGS FROM ELAINE TO SHOW HER DEDICATION AND PROGRESS WHICH ALLOWED HER TO REACH HER GOALS. SHE WANTED TO GAIN ENERGY, FEEL BETTER ABOUT HOW SHE LOOKED, IMPROVE HER MOODS AND LEARN HOW TO EAT CORRECTLY, HEALTHY AND REALISTICALLY  FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. SHE HAS BEEN A FABULOUS STUDENT!!!


Deborah,
6:30 coffee
Stomach hurt during first period of teaching -- feeling empty/hungry

8:45 Two Ezekiel raisin toast with peanut butter and banana (this is easy to leave at school and make, but I might be getting sick of it. Need to bring in the "Deb Approved" Alvarado bagels and other breakfast options I can make during this free period). 

12:45 Engine 2 frozen veggie burger, rice, beans, and veggies with half an avocado
apple sauce


- Need more food. Still hungry. Thought I brought more. 

1:55 Snuck half an RXBar in between classes
3:00 Finished RXBar


Walked with a friend. Left knee and ankle feel tender. 

7:30 Snacked on celery sticks/cherry tomatoes with Annie's Goddess dressing while making dinner. Tilapia with olive oil and seasoning and broccoli

This was a good dinner and filled me up. It did seem to take awhile (did dishes while it was thawing, so I was basically a grown up). Wanted something sweet or a treat after. Made tea. Boring. Even just writing down is helping me, though. There were plenty of opportunities for me to just grab something quick while running errands or walking but I didn't because I knew I was keeping track. 
Elaine


Elaine,
I love what you are writing...thank you!!!
So, would having a Rx or LARA bar with your coffee in the morning be helpful with the hunger/empty feeling? 
Would you be able to make oatmeal at school? If so, you would need to bring some sliced almonds or walnuts or other nuts (deez nutzzz!!!!!) and you can bring one of those small applesauce and cinnamon and berries or 1/2 banana???
You might like the Ezekiel English muffins better than the bread.


 Would you spread avocado on your bagel or toast to make avocado toast? You would need some protein along with that so you could bring some nuts or have a tablespoon of PB...or if you made a turkey burger the night before you could bring it and heat it up???
Yep, your lunch should be much bigger to satiate you ...can you add some chicken to the rice/beans...or some sliced turkey? Or even add one of the cans of salmon to the lunch. I am glad you realized you needed more food at that time.
Did your knee feel sore from last night??? If so, can you ice it tonight or tomorrow? I am so sorry it felt tender.
Did you like the Annie's Goddess dressing????? :)
I love that you became a grown up for the evening...whoa. 
I will have a teaspoon of pb after dinner if I have a sweet tooth...I KNOW that is not chocolate cake with ice cream...but it can work. You can do an apple with PB, if that would help. If you like the protein powder, you can make a small shake with frozen berries, water, chocolate or vanilla protein powder...that can be very satisfying as well. 
I am sooooooo proud of you for avoiding the opportunities to grab a quickie...I am so glad that writing the food logs are helping you keep track...yippy!!!!!! I look forward to your answers and let me know if any of those options sound good for breakfast or for after dinner snacks. Hugs!!!!
Deborah


Deborah,
Okay, I knew we were a good fit but your deeezzz nutzzzzz reference seals the deal. 

These are good options for the morning. I'm liking the toast and it's simple to just leave the ingredients at school, I'll just need to work on mixing it up sometimes. This morning I was starving when I woke up, so was glad to have those frozen Dr. Praeger broccoli cakes for a quick fix before I left since I was running too late to make a smoothie. I'll try some of those powders next week. 


The Annie's Goddess dressing is ok. One of those things I will learn to like better I think once I get used to it. 
Good call on PB. Just something sweet that isn't sugar or a cigarette. 

Thanks for keeping me accountable so I didn't order something quick! We'll see how this weekend goes as I navigate going out to eat with friends.

Thank you!! Have a great day!
Elaine



Elaine,
And, right back at you...the fact that you liked and "got"  "Deezzz Nutzzz" means we are, for sure, meant to be!!! 
So, this is good that you are waking up hungry because it means your body metabolism is turned ON!!! Your body is asking for fuel right away and that is a very good sign that it is working like  a furnace and using the food as fuel. It also means that you do need to pay attention and fuel it with a lot of good food...and probably more than you are eating in the day (which we already know and talked about...but this is the physiological proof.) 
I do want to point out that the Dr. Praeger broccoli pancakes do not have protein so please make sure to add some eggs or plain Greek yogurt (like a sour cream...and a little applesauce on top like a potato latke!!!!) how much PB are you having on the toast? Make sure to put a tablespoon on each slice for the extra fuel. FYI...you can make eggs in the microwave if you ever wanted to do an egg sandwich. I do not think the egg whites/egg in the microwave smells...you can try it at home this weekend and see in case you can do that at work???
Try the goddess dressing on the cauliflower mixed with chicken...it might be better as a sauce...but you are right...you might just get used to it...I also marinated chicken in it.
Right, PB...sweet and non-smokable!!!
When you go out to eat...try and have something at home before you leave. If you decide to try the smoothies, it is good to have one before going out because you are not starving and you can get something smaller for dinner/lunch and just enjoy the company of friends and not make it about the food. Or have an apple with PB or even an Amy's meal.  Try and order fish/chicken/shrimp and extra veggies in place of the starch. You can have bean soups/salads/omelettes etc. If you know where you are going you can try and look at the menu ahead of time. Feel free to send it to me and I can help you with picking out some of the healthier options. But again, remember that this is a slow process and to take your time and try not to overwhelm yourself or put pressure on yourself. If for right now, changing the way you eat at home and school is the first step and eating out is the next step...that is fine. We want this to become a lifestyle, not a diet, so just make sure that you do not feel any crazy restrictions. Hugs!!!!!

Monday, July 17, 2017

MONDAY MORNING POST: RAW EMOTION- JANET'S EXTREME PAIN OVER FEELING FAT.



WARNING: I APOLOGIZE IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED BY THE "F" WORD. I PURPOSELY DID NOT REMOVE IT BECAUSE IT EMPHASIZES THE PAIN AND FRUSTRATION  BOTH JANET AND I FELT. THE FIRST PART IS JANET'S STREAM OF CONSCIENCE FROM HER PHONE. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT I READ THAT MORNING. THIS EMAIL EXCHANGE NEEDED TO STAY EXACTLY AS IT WAS WRITTEN, "F" WORDS AND ALL. I KEEP THE FOOD LOGS USED IN MY BLOG EXACTLY HOW I RECEIVED THEM, ONLY CHANGING ALL NAMES AND SOMETIMES ADDING THE NAME BRAND OF A PRODUCT.  JANET'S VOICE NEEDS TO BE HEARD AS I HEARD IT THAT DAY.


Deborah,

and i realize how fucked up i am.  to put this into context, right after i had my second baby josh and when we really started working hard and you initially weighed and measured me, i weighed 187.  ii weighed myself on 7/30 and weighed 182.7 (i would never admit any of this to anyone else).  i told myself that if i could get into the 170s today i would be happy.  when i woke up my wedding ring was tight and i was immediately anxious that this would affect my weight.  before i got pregnant and i was working with you i weighed 163.  i have a fucking lot of weight to lose.  so i weighed myself and i weigh 180.2.  and i was pissed.  less than three pounds in a month of very very hard work.   i weighed myself at orange theory and after the class (super hard class btw) i weighed myself again.  i fucking weighed myself again hoping i would get a different answer!!!!!!!!  i weighed 180.1.  and told myself i would be happy with anything at 179.9 or below.  i shit you not i'm so upset and even feel and look fatter b/c of .2 pounds!!!!  if i told my husband  this, which i would not, he would say that i could take a shit and lose that much.  so i decided to confess to you b/c you are truly the only one that understands this, even if you are shaking your head b/c you told me not to, you still get it. 
so here is my list of reasons to NOT be upset. 
1) you always tell me muscle weighs more than fat.  i personally think this is a bullshit thing that people say when they are fat.  and also i had a lot of muscle when i was working with you and weighed much less, but i know i have gained muscle this month.  but again, i really don't put much belief in this.
2) my $7 jeans that I bought when i could barely zip up, now zip up and i was able to actually wear them out
3) i know that my arms and shoulders are more defined and my face is thinner
4) i fit into a dress that i couldn't before.  it's tight, but it fits. 
5) i can not work out anymore than i do.  i have really committed and really worked hard as fuck this month.  i can tell that i am stronger and can sprint faster and can run longer.


6) i know that i am not starving myself, which i could do.  I know that i am eating healthy and setting a good example for my kids.  if i cut out more food it would be unhealthy and i would be hungry and a bitch.  

that's all i got.  yes i'm trying to talk myself into being positive.  yes i know this will take time.  but for fucks sake this is ridiculous.  yes i know i should not weigh myself again.  i'm waiting for your "i told you so" email back :)
i do not want to define myself or my life like this.  one step forward and two back. 

love you - thanks for being my therapist.  
Janet



Janet,
Ohhhhhhhhh fuck, fuck, fuck , fuck!!!!!!! I KNOW how you feel about the number...even though I told you not to weigh yourself...I KNOW how much this fucked you up...and how much you want to just give the fuck up...and how you feel like you have no control because you are doing everything you should be doing...even switching meds..even giving up the peanut butter...even working out more. FUCK!!!!!!! I am at a lose for words...and I hate myself for that...because I want to give you a reason...I want to say it is not the same scale...I want to say...there is something wrong with your thyroid. But the only thing I can say is that the 6 reasons you gave NOT to be upset...are amazing...and all so true...and that is what you should focus on...but I know that it does not take away the total feelings of fucked up shit that we put ourselves through to feel better about our bodies...and when it does not happen...how fucked up we feel. FUCK!!!! That is all I have to say. Where do you go from here? What are your thoughts of how you are going to 
continue...or not? Can your 6 reasons take over the FUCK feeling...right now...or soon??? I love you so much...
Deborah

Deborah,
I don't see what choice I have or what else to change. I have to just keep on keeping on. I can't workout anymore than I do. I can't cut out any more food. I don't know what else to do. I really don't 
Janet



Janet,
Don't hate me... But I asked those questions because I wanted the answer you just gave me. Keep on doing what you are doing. Something I am aware of is that if this were 2 or 3 years ago, you would not have been able to list ANYTHING to not be upset about. In the time we have worked together on your workouts and your nutrition, you have grown. Today, you might not be able to step back and see that change. But, I do. 2 or 3 years ago you might have just said "fuck this shit" and ran to the nearest store and eaten 3 boxes of cookies. Today you see that does not work anymore. You still feel as shitty and WANT to give up but the growth is in the actions. You decided to write to me and talk about it and release the pain with me instead of releasing it by acting out.  I know this is so fucking frustrating... But being strong... Defined... With extra endurance is such a bonus. Remember the 7$ jeans... Keep putting them on... And remember they did not fit last time. I love you!!!
Deborah



Deborah,
Why would I hate you? Goodness. I am trying to keep things into perspective. Even when I was hardcore on weightwatchers the most I lost in a month was five pounds. And that was counting everything and being obsessive. So I guess three pounds in a month is slow as fuck but better than gaining or not losing. 

Also trying to remember that I didn't gain this weight bc I was sitting on my ass being lazy. But also trying to not tell Josh that he made me fat (like my mom always told me). 

At least I am going in the right direction. I guess. Trying to just keep on with what I'm doing bc I'm not going to eat like shit or stop exercising. I'm extra blasted today (two bean meals yesterday so that's not really helping my mental state either. Plus I didn't sleep well. 
Janet

Monday, July 10, 2017

MONDAY MORNING POST: SHOULD THE ACRONYM, BMI, BE CHANGED TO "BRING MORE INFORMATION?"


SHOULD THE ACRONYM, BMI, BE CHANGED TO "BRING MORE INFORMATION?"


My wonderful followers,

After I posted my opinions on FB (see the post after the comments below.) I noticed that it was reached by 1,415 people. To me, that means that we can help a lot of mom's and dad's and ourselves by spreading the awareness of finding a solution to having shame involved using the BMI index/scale weight, etc. We have been hearing that it is up to us as individuals to bring our own questions into the doctor's offices. We need to be prepared with lists of our symptoms/issues because time is limited and doctors are so busy that we must advocate for ourselves and our children at the doctor. Here is an email I got from a friend (all names have been changed) 5 minutes after I posted this on FB. I am so glad that this mom knew to ask what to do when faced with taking her daughter to the doctor for a annual check-up. I have met her daughter and she is extremely active, she eats a wonderful combination of healthy foods and

treats and she is funny and witty and outgoing and far from being unhealthy. She is taller than the average girl her age, with a larger frame than the average girl her age and she is happy and outgoing. If she was based on the numbers on the BMI or scale, she would probably be in the "overweight" or more category. Here is where everything in her life could change. If the doctor tells her the same thing that was told to these last two kids, she, too, could leave feeling like she cannot eat any treats without getting fat. And her body-image and self-esteem could be totally tarnished and scarred. Please BMI-Bring More Information- to the doctor's office.

Deborah - thanks for posting this. Kate's annual exam is coming up and given that she is so tall for a 10 year old, I have worried about what the doctor will say about her weight (especially in front of her). Any recs you have on how to coach the doctor would be most appreciated.

Pam

Pam,
I love that you are thinking ahead!!! It is such a shame that you even should think this way but you are being very wise. I would call the doctor's office ahead of time, or send an email directly to your doctor, and let them know that you do not want ANY discussion about weight/BMI/food/exercise. You can tell them that if they MUST weigh her or do a BMI to just do it but not to talk about it. Tell Kate that they just use it as a guide for her in the next few years but it is not important. You can tell the doctor what YOU feed her and what KATE does for exercise but tell the doctor that you talk to Kate all the time about healthy living. Let her know that her GRANDMA (my wonderful 64-year-old client) exercises with weights 4-5 days a week and makes smoothies and healthy food with
Kate all the time together. So, I guess my point is, let your doctor know that you have the issues covered and if Kate has any questions, she will ask them on her own. But please do not talk about numbers, weight loss, BMI, etc. with Kate. She can email you after the appointment if she has anything further to say to Mom. Big hugs to you!!!!!!
Deborah
From another friend:
Deborah, It’s sad! Obviously, their health needs to constantly checked like everyone else (duh! ๐Ÿ˜œ) but I know our pedi takes it with a grain of salt. Hers was high this last time bc she's due for a growth spurt so he just encouraged daily play, aka exercise, and gave me tips for being inside for the summer months. I asked him more in depth and he rolled his eyes and gave me a speech about how more pedis need to "know their patients" so they can properly do their job (i.e. Knowing when it's a real problem) bc most are becoming too lazy and are just dishing out tests without looking at their patients as a whole. Can you tell we love Dr Mike ๐Ÿ˜œ But I agree, this 1 scale cannot and should not determine our health! Btw, as a gymnast I've always been "overweight" bc I'm short and muscular.




๐Ÿ˜ณNancy



From another friend:

Deborah,

Why don't we start talking about how we "feel" in our bodies instead of how we look on the outside? In my work, I see many "fit" people who can't connect or feel their bodies. I bet this 7year old feels strong! Why not talk about that? I've always been little and being a gymnast when I
was young built solid heavy bone mass. I've always weighed more than I look and haven't owned a scale in 30 years. And beyond we'll-checks when my boys were babies I didn't do annuals even though insurance covered it. Mom's (in general) have stronger instincts and know what's best for their kids. I'm with you on this one on many levels (and don't get me started on what they tell adults about "well that's just aging...)" No!
Angie
MY FACEBOOK POST:
Please Understand that I am upset...more than upset, I am totally disappointed in what is happening in doctor's offices. I need some input from the medical community to explain and help me understand why this is still happening. Here is what is making my blood boil. Please read all the following: Here is an interaction from 2014:
Nov 2014....Food Print for Life...This is exactly what I am talking about when I ask my clients to throw their scales out the window. We cannot rely on numbers from a chart or on the scale to tell us if we are healthy human beings. And most doctors are the ones who fail to look at the whole picture...do they ask us how our eating is? Do they ask us if we are active? Do they ask us anything before they tell us we are "obese" because of a number on the charts or scales? This is outrageous and needs to be changed!!!
MIMI
This is my son. Yesterday his doctor told me that since his BMI is above the 85 percentiles, we will need to check his thyroid and his glucose levels. I told her she was crazy! His height and weight are proportionate. He is an
active 4-year-old who is very tall for his age. I pretty much said that I will not have my child defined by an arbitrary scale that takes your height times some number divided by some other number as an indicator that my son is obese. According to those calculations Michael Jordan is obese. It's time for us to take a stand and stop this insanity! There will be no tests.
THIS WAS POSTED 3 DAYS AGO...2017...FROM TERRY (NAME CHANGE AND PICTURES WERE APPROVED BY TERRY, SEE BELOW)
"Opinions please! I took my daughter who is 7 for her annual physical. I am 5'9 and her father is 6'3. She is obviously very tall for her age. Well, the doctor had a discussion with me in front of her (trying to be discreet but unsuccessful, about her weight and bmi). I was taken aback. She is only 7! I do not want her stressing about body image at her age. My daughter does gymnastics, played soccer, will swim all day and night if I let her. She can play outside and on a playground for hours. Obviously, I am conscious of what we eat, but she's a kid. She can have cake at a birthday party, she can have ice cream in the summer, I won't deprive her of fun. The doctor asked her what was in her lunchbox that day (of course it was the last day of school so there was a treat in there!). She asked what she eats for breakfast, if she's active. My 7-year-old left that visit and said 'Mommy I can't eat any of that stuff anymore I'll be fat.'
I felt like a failure and felt judged.
What do you all think? Too much at such a young age? It even had a notation about bmi on the paper we take home! My daughter is tall and solid, and strong and active. The last thing I want is her to worry about
this stuff at 7! I'm trying to set a positive example by being active, eating healthy and having the fun stuff in moderation."
.
ANOTHER POST FROM ME TO THIS POST:
Hey TERRY,
I have been thinking about this all day and I am just so pissed off that the issues I have had, myself, with body-image and food and weight are now being "GIVEN" to young boys and girls from DOCTORS!!!!! The BMI is totally BARBARIC and has not been changed in years. When they created this insanity (BMI,) it was way back in the days that most women did not lift weights and exercise and everything was about the scale and numbers because back then, the majority of WOMEN DID NOT WANT MUSCLES and did not know that muscles were very important to build and that would cause everything to change in the numbers. Would you mind ( I will never use real names, etc.) if I use your post to write a blog/FB post? I also would like to share it with one of my clients who is a doctor. The number of clients I have worked with over the years who have had children or themselves fat-shamed at THE DOCTORS is outrageous. I hope that you have moved passed this and I am sorry if I am bringing back the feelings but I want to be able to start changing this issue and your input would help. If anything can come out of this horrible situation, maybe it is
bringing the awareness to the medical community to stop damaging our children and ourselves. Thank you for letting me go on my rant!!!!!!
DEBORAH
I SAW PICTURES OF THIS 7-YEAR-OLD GIRL. SHE IS FAR, FAR AWAY FROM BEING OVERWEIGHT/OBESE/CLOSE-TO-BEING-OVERWEIGHT, ETC. SHE LOOKS SO STRONG, HAPPY, HEALTHY AND ENERGETIC. HER LEGS ARE MUSCULAR AND SHE HAS THE CUTEST LITTLE TUSH. NOT ONE SINGLE THING THAT WOULD MAKE YOU GO, HMMMMMM. 



Deborah Stern has been counseling her clients with a holistic and realistic approach to healthy eating and exercise for the past 25 years. After doing Jazz and Modern dance from age 3-22, she discovered aerobics and weight training. She was hooked and spent most of her time in the gym and/or studying nutrition and learning about the proper ways to exercise and to eat correctly to reach her goals. Deborah struggled with her own body image and food issues and realized she wanted to help other men, women and children who struggle with the same issues. Through her own trial and errors,



experimenting with all types of "diets" and fads, she finally found what worked for her and her clients. Educating her clients about food as fuel, not as a diet but how to eat correctly to allow the body to function properly, became Food Print for Life. Deborah works with all ages and genders. Some of her clients have never working out and some are training for triathlons. She works with people all over the country who want to discover new, healthy, easy and tasty ways of eating, doing phone nutrition sessions. This is Deborah’s passion and it shows. Her clients have made incredible changes to their mind, bodies and spirits.

Monday, July 3, 2017

MONDAY MORNING POST: UPON MY (DEBORAH'S) REQUEST, JENNIFER STARTED HER OWN BLOG TO SHARE HER PAIN, AWARENESS AND TRUTH ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN/LOSS. WHY DID SHE LOSE 80 LBS? WAS HER NEW RELATIONSHIP TO BLAME FOR GAINING THE WEIGHT BACK? WHAT DID SHE DO TO BE HEALTHIER AND STRONGER?


Jennifer's Journey...
"I have to say I am very happy to be here, on the road to a healthier and fitter me, but as good as I feel, as much energy as I have, I cannot help but think about where I have been.
About 4 years ago, I lost a lot of weight. About 80 pounds. The scale teetered at a long time goal of mine. This was not all the weight I needed to lose, but a very significant amount. I was in my junior year of college and in the smallest size clothing, that I can ever remember. I was wearing a size 16 jeans, that I had altered to be even smaller. So a true size I cannot exactly pinpoint. In the last 3 years I have not been able to get this jeans over my knees (you know the “skinny” type). I still have these jeans. I periodically take them off the hanger and look at the waist, and it is hard to believe that I was actually that “small”.  I know my upper body was a size 12. I have a black party dress that I have also not let go, that for one summer I never took the dress off. It was my everything. I remember going to a friends party one night, wearing this cute black dress, my yellow chuck Taylor's and a yellow clip in my hair. I had rode my bike that night. This is the night it was deemed my “party dress”, I felt fantastic.
I still have it hanging in my closet, as well. With the hopes of one day being about the wear it again, and being able to use it as a pattern and make different colors of this favorite dress. The last time these pieces of clothing really fit, I was on a girls trip with my friend Alina. We had went to Los Angeles to visit our friend Amber and taken a road trip to Vegas. In that trip alone I believe I gained 10 pounds, getting off the plane and going straight to In and Out Burger and then a taco truck (who does that :)?),and then it happened.
Upon coming back to Chicago I met Matt. I met Matt, this great, caring, and compassionate man, whom believed in the success of me, whom was inspired by my sewing space in the middle of my then apartment. I was in love.
I look back at this now, and I think about many different things. One, I was losing weight for the purpose of finding a man. I was losing weight because it was the next natural goal in my life. I was conquering school, I was surrounded by good people, and was excited about my future. So naturally or not so naturally, I let myself go. Matt took me to wonderful dinners, we ordered out, all the time. He provided a “sexy co-ed” as he called me with more than rice, beans, and tofu. My weight gain is not his fault, but my own. I met a man that loves me for me, no matter what. So naturally I spent more time with him than I did going to the gym. We have been together for a 34 months, and in these months, I have steadily gained weight.
I tried to justify it. I blamed new birth control for my weight gain, but it took awhile to actually come to grips that it was the sausage pizza and take out meals that helped pack the pounds back on. I was comfortable. Matt and I moved in together a year ago. The road has been filled with twist and turns. In this last year, a lot has happened. Our relationship has been tested, and we have come out stronger and closer together.
Last winter, I have to say was a turning point for me. In January of 2011, I turned 30. I spent the rest of the winter being “doom and gloom”. I was lost. I was not happy with my career choice, I was trying to figure out how to make sewing and clothing my way of life. I spent more time over-thinking my current situation and laying on the couch at all times, than I did on actually doing something. Although, this year I vowed to myself that I cannot spend this winter as I did the last. I cannot continue to beat myself up, but I actually have to do something. I have to create the path I want to be on.
This way of thinking is what promoted getting back in the gym and eating right. Matt constantly tells me he loves me for me, which is wonderful, but one day I had to look at him and say,” I do not love me for me”.
I did not love what I have let myself become. I did not love that if I stayed on that path where my future may take me. I was finally ready to do something about it. To take hold of my life and be in control. Not let the weight control me.
I feel that this body armor I am carrying, is the last thing holding me back. It deters me for trying to get the jobs I so want, it deters me from grasping on to my talent and taking that wherever it may lead me. It also deters me from being me.
I can say, that where I am sitting right now, feels fantastic. Yesterday, was not only a weigh-in day, but it was the first day of the rest of my life.
I am proud of myself for getting to this point. I am proud of the way I feel. I am proud that at work last night, even though I worked into after midnight, I was flowing with energy, and my bar patrons where flowing with laughter. I am proud that I have been able to step away from the stigma of being overweight, because I am doing something about it. I am also proud of the doors taking this step can offer in the future.
Matt is one of my biggest supporters, and I am grateful for that, and all of my friends and family.
I am also grateful that I joined the West Loop Athletic Club, as well as being even more grateful for picking Deborah as my trainer. Deb added fuel to the flame that was barely producing heat, and has helped me realize that my dream of being a fitter and happier Jennifer  is truly possible.
To all of you reading this out there. Please “weigh-in” with me. I know the subject matter is sensitive, although, I am hoping I can inspire someone, as I have been inspired, and learn and discover new things.
As I was writing in this, these lyrics where playing in my head. Most of this is true for me, but most of all it just makes sense."
“fitter, happier, more productive
comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car 
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
charity standing orders
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on Sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet 
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that’s driven into
frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter, healthier and more productive”
-Radiohead

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